Friday, 13 February 2009

Part 22 - 25 Things

I’ve done nothing this week. Literally nothing. I know that, sometimes, someone may ask you what you’ve been up to and you might reply ‘nothing’ but, the vast majority of the time, this is just a cunning lie told in the hope that an idiot will stop talking to you. You don’t truly know the meaning of the word until you’ve spent an entire week sitting on a chair, in front of a massive television, gorging yourself on one million Ferrero Rocher like a foreign diplomat whose had a massive nervous breakdown. Due to my lack of activity, I feel that I have no option but to join the ever-expanding list of self-indulgent, awful people who have decided to inflict 25 facts about themselves on the Facebook public in a lamentable attempt to keep the blog rolling until my imminent CT scan.

1. I have played guitar for seven full years, but I’m yet to learn anything that would either impress or interest an entirely deaf man upon the exact second that he regained his hearing.

2. I once broke my elbow due to slipping when attempting to fly-kick a teenage girl in the face. It was so painful that I was almost physically sick, but the sheer humiliation hurt one million times more.

3. Dairy products repulse me. Why does no one realise that they’re drinking the bodily secretions of a farmyard animal? Why is this even remotely acceptable?

4. For over a year, I was led to believe that my friend’s father was Deacon Blue heart-throb Dougie Vipond. This turned out to be a pointlessly elaborate trick.

5. Since deleting my Bebo account I just appear as a shadow in various Top Friends sections and I’m absolutely certain that, consequently, some people will assume that I’ve died.

6. I turned down an interview with The Sunday Post specifically because they wanted to include me in a hideously sentimental series entitled ‘Coping With Life’. Past headlines include ‘Brave Sophie Has Learned to Walk Tall Again‘ and ‘Tiny Dancer Living Her Dream’.

7. I once went to a WWF wrestling event. I was a full eighteen years old, and most likely looked a highly suspicious character amongst the thousands of children.

8. On Tuesday, I woke up with a singular Frosty attached to my forehead. An occurrence that, to this day, remains a perplexing mystery.

9. I hate myself for finding it impossible not to snigger like a tiny child whenever I hear the name ‘Ed Balls’ on the news.

10. Two of my toes are very slightly webbed and, consequently, I encounter a higher level of prejudice, discrimination and vitriol than any existing ethnic minority.

11. My uncle used to star as a priest in High Road, and my Grandfather flew a plane in the sub-par James Bond film Thunderball. This makes my family equally as showbiz as The Osmonds.

12. Seconds after being diagnosed with cancer, I was asked if I was in a relationship by the doctor for his medical records. “Why, are you asking me out?” I replied, which, to this day, remains the one joke that I’m most pleased with.

13. I saw Benjamin Button today and I thought it was good, but would have been better if he had crawled back into his dead mother’s womb at the end.

14. For a joke, I decided to study Archaeology in my first year of university. This joke turned out to not even be slightly funny, nearly derailed my entire academic career and made me wish that human civilisation had never existed.

15. There is probably just enough hair on my face to make up one serviceable eyebrow.

16. Alot of my t-shirts have various band names on them. This appears to make it acceptable for strangers to approach me in pubs and berate my taste in music.

17. After consuming one beer, I am adamant that I can speak fluent French. An actual recording of one of these conversations would most likely reveal me to be saying nothing but ‘aw he haw he haw’ like a giant racist.

18. Chemotherapy only made me vomit once in six months. You may consider this a good thing, but I had hoped to lose some weight like a pretty supermodel.

19. My favourite way to insult people is by placing a swear word infront of a word that I consider to be funny. Efforts include piss-splat, cock-juggler and arse-haddock.

20. I have a flying-V shaped ukulele. It looked cooler in the picture.

21. I’ve recently joined Twitter and, like one hundred and fifty thousand other morons, genuinely believe that Stephen Fry will, one day, reply to my sycophantic warblings. I’ve also attempted to e-bully Yoko Ono.

22. I only ever own one pair of shoes at a time. Each pair has an exact life span of one year as they have to be replaced the day after I spend a weekend stomping about in three feet of piss and sick at T in the Park.

23. On a similar note, I was once sick in a bin at the Arches nightclub but managed to conceal this fact by incorporating the motion into a wicked dance move.

24. For three months, I insisted that I would start a fitness regime two weeks after my final chemotherapy. However, it was snowing and I had Ferrero Rocher to devour.

25. I hope and pray that I get my CT scan and results soon, mainly to prevent me revealing a further selection of tedious facts about my life next week.

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