Thursday, 5 February 2009
Part 21 - Balkan Beast
Every now and then, something so utterly fantastic happens that makes you question whether, by comparison, you’ll ever be able to enjoy anything ever again. An event so ridiculous, so divine and so beautiful that it makes you relatively certain that the entire sprawling narrative of mankind has finally hit a peak and has reached what will now be an eternal decline. Such an event has taken place.
A few days before the newspaper feature started, I set up a hit-counter on the blog to see what kind of response the articles were getting in terms of people actually bothering to click on the link to this site from the Scotsman website. On top of telling me how many people had visited, it also gives a little bit of information about the people such as their location, how long they spent on the site and where they found the link to it.
The vast majority of the time, this is incredibly uninteresting due to almost everyone who reads this being from within a twenty mile radius of me, but I’ve had some hits from such exotic places as Indonesia, South Africa and Tasmania - which children’s Saturday morning TV had led me to believe was an entirely fictional place.
One man, and you know who you are, came to this site from Plovdiv in Bulgaria. ‘How odd’ I thought, what possible reason would a man from Bulgaria have to visit the story of a distant teenage cancer patient? It’s only upon further investigation that the whole sinister tale becomes apparent.
Yes. At 9.38am on Wednesday the 4th of February, a deranged Bulgarian man inexplicably reached this site by googling ‘ultra sperm koktail’. One can only imagine his crestfallen little face when, primed and ready for some hot sperm guzzling, the inspiring chronicle of a teenage cancer patient flashed up onto his screen. I can’t deny that I’m a bit hurt he didn’t stick around for longer than ‘0 seconds’ to read some of my funny cancer jokes, what could he have possibly been busy doing? Whatever it was, alas, he had no time to waste on me and decided to return to his frenzied internet stampede for more refreshingly novel cocktail recipes.
My favourite thing about this is how a normal sperm cocktail apparently doesn’t quite quench his thirst for frankly unhygienic concoctions, it has to be an ‘ULTRA sperm cocktail’. Usually, in a crap student pub, this might mean that they add an extra shot of throat-meltingly shit vodka to it but I suspect that all usual cocktail rules and conventions are thrown out of the window if they already consider it acceptable to use gametes as a main ingredient. Perhaps ’ultra’ means that, instead of a cocktail umbrella, they use a human shit.
I sodding knew this would happen. In retrospect, writing about my testicles so often in previous entries was a foolish choice. Not only has it made this blog a hub for the world’s worst people, last week it led to my own Grandmother reading about me romancing myself in a hospital with adult magazines that I chose to describe in graphic detail. For most people, I suspect that getting their first bit of writing into a national newspaper is a time of immense family pride, especially for Grandparents who would surely love nothing more than to show it off to everyone that they possible could. I, however, have brought nothing but shame upon Granny Ross with my Graham Nortonesque smut. “I liked the bit about your hair” she said diplomatically, refusing to comment on the seven thousand other words that I wrote.
Nothing to report health-wise this week, I’ve just been taking advantage of the fact that I can get as many infections as I please without fear of postponing treatment. This included a trip to Edinburgh where, amazingly, I was spotted by a blog fan who recognised me from the newspaper - instantly inflating my ego to unprecedented levels. He didn’t approach me, deciding that it would probably be safer to send an email afterwards just in case it wasn’t actually me and he approached a confused stranger to wish them luck with their cancer battle. He’s since added me on Facebook and seems like a thoroughly pleasant stalker, as does everyone who has been in touch with me. At least you’re not all huge perverts from Bulgaria.
Until next time, take care cancer fans.
P.S. I've decided to join Twitter to try and make celebrities my friends. JamieRoss7 if anyone wants to follow these futile attempts.